Satire.

I managed to make it almost all the way through the university without taking the required writing course. My high school Advanced Placement work really should have gotten me out of such a basic skills class, but eventually I just gave in and did it so I could graduate. This is how I ended up in Freshman Writing 101 the first semester of my senior year.

It was 8am on the first day of the semester and, with the exception of summer school, the first college class ever for most of the students. The essay was on childhood obesity. I finished my essay first and was the first to volunteer when the professor asked someone to stand up and read for the class.

I got an A for my well-written, logical argument for eliminating childhood obesity. As a bonus, I also traumatized an entire class full of fresh-out-of-high-school students who had never read A Modest Proposal with my cold and emotionless delivery. The next person to volunteer was the other senior in the class.

We had written our essays at the same time with zero discussion beforehand, and had obviously come to the same conclusion at the same time: You can propose whatever you like, no matter how preposterous, and get an A as long as your paper was well-thought-out and well-written. I like to think the freshman learned a valuable lesson that day, but I never got to find out because none of them would talk to me the rest of the semester.

The Walrus Guy

Pirate? and I met in the seventh grade. We had both lived in the same small town for several years, and both of our families were pretty active in the community. We crossed paths quite a few times before we actually met and became friends. The summer after seventh grade, we discovered that her parents regularly attended the weekly community band concerts in the park. My parents played tuba and flute in the band. These were outdoor concerts where families usually brought picnics and sat on blankets while listening to the band, and having my best friend there was awesome.

With his massive fluffy white handlebar mustache, The Walrus Guy was a fixture at community events. He did have a real name and was just some retired person as far as I am aware, but he was a winning combination of highly-involved and incredibly recognizable. This meant that you were guaranteed to spot him at every fair, festival, and event in town.

The Greek Festival, the Celtic Festival, the Fourth of July Fireworks, the Community Rummage Sale, the Christmas Parade, the Fourth of July Fireworks...he was even at Tallships presentation at the harbor.

I'm sure that plenty of people at these events knew The Walrus Guy personally, but I never asked them. As a kid you don't generally admit to adults that you go around referring to an upstanding member of the community as The Walrus Guy. He died when we were in college, there was a huge article in the newspaper listing the many clubs and groups he was involved in. Guy had a lot of hobbies. No mention of his close resemblance to any pinniped species, though.

Rest in peace, Walrus Guy. Someday I hope to be as notorious among the local children as you were.

Social Skills

My sister and I were walking down a busy sidewalk when I suddenly became aware that there were three boys walking right behind us, probably around 13 years old.

If you were ever bullied in school you will be very familir with this situation. It's basically a win-win for the bully, there's no good way to handle it while keeping your cool. You can keep walking and ignore them while they silently read your body language and know that they got to you. You can stop suddenly so they run into you, and they still know they managed to piss you off. You can spin around and whack them, or give them a piece of your mind, but no matter what you do the bully still wins.

The nice thing about growing up awkward is that you become intensely aware of all the details that make up good social skills. When you have to consciously learn the rules of social engagement, like how much eye contact to make and how close to stand to people, you learn a lot more than those who just acquire good social skills naturally. Also, when you really don't give a fuck, you can choose to disregard of those rules.

Invading someone's personal space from behind can make you feel powerful and intimidating. Face-to-face with a stranger, that same distance can be very uncomfortable. Prolonged eye contact with a stranger is even more unsettling. A stranger walking backwards for the next two blocks while making direct eye contact and grinning can be very uncomfortable. Yes, junior high boys, you may be annoying but I am crazy.