Cosmic metabolic karma

I used to be one of those people that could eat anything and never gain a pound.

It pissed people off.

Then one day I developed appendicitis.

After they removed all my abdominal organs and then put them back again, things never quite worked right. I have something called gastroparesis, which basically means my digestive system no longer gives a fuck. It digests what it wants, when it wants. I now have the metabolism of a python.

I found this out about a month after I got out of the hospital. I was having really horrendous reflux, so I went to a specialist for an endoscopy, which involved shoving a camera down my throat while I was not properly sedated.

I had a bezoar, which in nonmedical terms is a magical stone found in the third stomach of a Syrian goat.

Instead I'm not supposed to eat fresh fruit or vegetables. Also, I drink soda sometimes to make up the calories I miss from not eating. It's the stupidest doctor-approved diet ever, and makes me look like I have the pallet of a 6 year old when I'm trying to look like a responsible adult.