Satire.

I managed to make it almost all the way through the university without taking the required writing course. My high school Advanced Placement work really should have gotten me out of such a basic skills class, but eventually I just gave in and did it so I could graduate. This is how I ended up in Freshman Writing 101 the first semester of my senior year.

It was 8am on the first day of the semester and, with the exception of summer school, the first college class ever for most of the students. The essay was on childhood obesity. I finished my essay first and was the first to volunteer when the professor asked someone to stand up and read for the class.

I got an A for my well-written, logical argument for eliminating childhood obesity. As a bonus, I also traumatized an entire class full of fresh-out-of-high-school students who had never read A Modest Proposal with my cold and emotionless delivery. The next person to volunteer was the other senior in the class.

We had written our essays at the same time with zero discussion beforehand, and had obviously come to the same conclusion at the same time: You can propose whatever you like, no matter how preposterous, and get an A as long as your paper was well-thought-out and well-written. I like to think the freshman learned a valuable lesson that day, but I never got to find out because none of them would talk to me the rest of the semester.

Cooking with Ned: Toffee

After failing to make candied citron the first time, I was left with a pot of salty syrup. I usually make toffee with salted butter and sugar, so the obvious solution was to throw some unsalted butter in the pot and make toffee. To make toffee, you combine an equal amount of butter and sugar, and heat it over the stove until it reaches 285 degrees Fahrenheit.

With a candy thermometer, it's almost impossible to fail at making toffee. You put the pot on the stove, start stirring, and watch the temperature. It's worth noting that at 212 degrees (the boiling point of water) the temperature will stay constant until the moisture from the butter has evaporated.

This can take a while. Keep stirring.

You don't want to walk away from the pot. When the temperature starts to rise again, it will go up very quickly. The whole mixture will foam up and the toffee will burn if you don't stir it constantly and pull it off the heat the second it hits 285. So keep stirring.

When the sun has burned out and all life on earth has perished and the universe has come to an end, the toffee will finally be ready. Pour it onto a foil-lined baking sheet and let it cool, and you will have toffee! You can even drop some chocolate chips on top and spread them around as they melt. When the toffee is hard you can break it into pieces. Of course, all this assumes you didn't get bored and wander away before the toffee hit 285...