"Can I Pet Your Dog?"

I was walking Awesomedog, Tinydog, and Fosteruahuah on the hiking trails one day when we were beset by a pack of preschoolers.

I could see them thundering down the trail, well ahead of their parents. Just behind the parents was a guy walking with a large dog sans leash. He kept calling it as rocketed off the trail and back, it didn't appear to hear him. The herd of toddlers spotted my dogs and came stampeding toward us.

It's nice that people teach their small children to ask before rushing someone else's dog, but it would be even nicer if they elaborated on "ask first". These tiny terrors had absolutely no idea what to do when the answer was something other than "yes".

This exchange was repeated for several minutes while the parents finally caught up and hauled their grabby offspring away. The owner of the other dog leashed it while I was fending off the preschoolers, thus saving me from having to break up a dog fight in the middle of a playgroup.

Hamstertrap

Once again my hamster went mising, and given his stellar survival rate in my house full of lazy predators, I decided to be proactive and set a trap for him. A simple bucket trap can be made by smearing peanut butter in the bottom of a bucket and then stacking books or other objects up to make steps to the top.

Of course, as soon as I set it up I found the hamster in his vast network of cages, right where he should be. I did, however, catch something.

Bedmaking.

There are few things that can bring together a house full of animals like stripping the sheets off a bed and putting on clean ones.

The cats like to get buttoned inside the duvet cover and they all like to race around in circles on the empty bed, but the most exciting thing is crawling under the fitted sheet and getting made into the bed.

D.S.A.

Tinydog is basically naked. His coat is thin and light, and his tiny pink belly has just the lightest coating of peach fuzz. He seems to be incapable of overheating even in triple digit temperatures. Despite my intentions of turning him into a dog, he is basically a Barbie doll and happiest in a sweater.

Shortly after we got him I realized the entire point of having a naked foo-foo sissydog is to dress him up.

I like to sew, and since acquiring Tinydog I have also learned how to knit. I also occasionally buy him sweaters. It's...kind of hard to stop.

What kind of dog?

If you live in an area with a lot of chihuahuas or a lot of people with Mexican heritage, you are probably aware that a lot of people from Mexico absolutely love chihuahuas and enjoy pointing them out to their children when they would ignore any other type of dog. I imagine this is somewhat similar for dogs with other readily-identifiable nationalities, and I am simply not around when someone from Australia spots a kelpie or an Australian cattle dog. In my mind Irish people like to point out Irish setters and Irish terriers, and people from Japan are quick to point out akitas  to their kids. (I could be completely wrong about this and it's just a chihuahua thing...)  Anyway, this morning we passed a probably-Hispanic guy and matching kid.

I've been laughing my ass off about this all day.

Dog in a Dress.

Before we acquired Tinydog, I was intending to get a second dog. It was going to be a cattledog or cattledog mix like Awesomedog, and it was totally going to be a girl. I had been checking rescues and sheter websites, looking for the perfect new dog. She was going to be friendly and athletic and I would put pink collars and ribbons and tutus on her like I did with my late cocker spaniel.

Then we brought home Tinydog, who is a boy. It's already pretty tough to find a landlord who will rent to people with two dogs, so a third dog is definitely out. No girl dog for me. Initially I had decided that Tinydog was going to be a Real Dog and sleep in a crate and compete in obedience trials and not wear stupid sweaters. Then I discovered that Tinydog's lack of hair or body mass made him incredibly cold all the time and his first night in the crate he shivered until I let him sleep in bed with us. Turns out a chihuahua isn't a Real Dog after all. Within a couple of weeks I had sewed him a blanket coat and a pretty dress.

Tinydog proudly demonstrates that gender is a social construct and that boys can wear dresses too. He is our pretty princess.

Stuff.

The other day while a friend and I were playing Diablo 3...

And then he suggested I could prevent this sort of occurrence by simply having less stuff. This sort of thing is exactly why I have so much stuff. I have some really cool stuff.

Four Reasons I Hate You and Your "Friendly" Dog

I walk my dogs every day. Our tiny shantytown-like neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks, so we drive somewhere else to walk. Both Awesomedog and Tinydog have very good dog social skills when off-leash, so frequently we go to the designated off-leash dog beach. We also have some amazing places to hike around here, including on place that is very close, has a protected monarch butterfly grove in the winter, and is extremely convenient. Really, the only downside to hiking there is all the idiots who let their dogs run loose while they hike. There's a big sign right at the trailhead declaring that, by law, all dogs need to be on leashes. Unfortunately there are also a whole lot of idiots. Most of these people like to claim their dogs are 'friendly' as they come barreling down the trail at us. After far too many bad experiences with 'friendly' off-leash dogs, my own dogs are now decidedly unfriendly when they are leashed. I don't blame them, I too hate these 'friendly' dogs for a variety of reasons...

1. Your dog isn't actually friendly.

If your dog is stiffly approaching mine in a straight line with all the hair on her back standing up and her head and tail held as high as possible, she isn't coming over for a friendly greeting and I can tell that even before she starts growling. If she were truly being friendly she would be all curvy and waggly with her head and tail held level or low, and she would be walking towards my dogs in a big arc. If your dog takes the stiff-and-direct approach she's not coming over to say hello, she's trying to show my dogs how big and scary she is. On their leashes my dogs feel cornered and intimidated, and if your dog doesn't give them their space they will attempt to defend themselves and we will have a dog fight.

2. Your dog is socially retarded.

If your dog was truly friendly, he would understand how to take 'no' for an answer when attempting to meet a new dog. My dogs are not subtle about their desire to be left alone, and a well-mannered friendly dog will figure that out and pass them on the trail without getting too close. Your dog's continued approach is a lot like being cornered by a stranger holding their arms out and saying "Hi! Give me a big hug!" If you're polite you might indulge them, but if you've had some bad experiences with grabby strangers you might just hit them if you can't run away. The brings me to my next point:

3. My dog has a bad back.

Awesomedog has had spinal disc problems since he was under a year old, and he's seven now. He does not want to wrestle around with your large dog. Unfortunately, your dog may not figure that out until he has invited Awesomedog to play by way of bodyslamming. "But he only wants to play!" you protest as I kick your dog in the head and shout incoherently about vet bills. This is the dog equivalent of your hefty third-grader charging up to my frail kindergartner on crutches and shouting "Tag! You're it!" while he sends my kid sprawling. Yeah, he just wants to play, but he's out of control and can hurt other dogs. This kind of painful greeting is exactly why Awesomedog is afraid of other dogs when he's on a leash and reacts violently when they get too close.

4. My dog is stupidly tiny.

Tinydog weighs about 6 pounds, and he finds large dogs extremely intimidating. Some dogs figure this out and give him some space, but many completely disregard his attempts at communication and simply tower over him while sniffing. Sometimes Tinydog explodes in a ball of teeth and yapping and terror and rage. This can be effective, but sometimes it just triggers the bigger dog to attack. If your 80-pound dog decides to bite my 6-pound dog, mine if probably going to be seriously injured or even killed before either us has time to react. This is why I am not comfortable having your off-leash dog wander over for a casual sniff, and you shouldn't be either. I don't know what your dog is going to do when he wanders over, and you don't know how my dog is going to react either, this is not a risk we need to take.

I understand that people like to let their dogs get as much exercise as possible when hiking, and I'm not a huge fan of following rules just for the sake of following rules. I keep my dog leashed on the trails because Awesomedog wants to bite everything with wheels (mountain bikes, baby strollers...), Tinydog doesn't actually come when I call him, and not everyone wants to meet and greet my dogs. I don't really have a problem with the well-mannered dogs that are under control and closely supervised by their people and happen to be off-leash, as long as those people are respectful of my dogs and their need for space. It's not just my own dogs, either. Most dogs aren't entirely comfortable being approached by a loose dog while on a leash, even if they're perfectly friendly when both parties are loose. It's just polite to keep your off-leash dog from approaching a loose one, no matter where you're walking.

I can't sleep.

Sometimes Tinydog has to pee at 4am. He lets me know by sitting on my head until I wake up and take him outside.

You know when something is wrong, but you're not awake enough to figure out what? I've had asthma attacks and reflux in my sleep, and I usually spend an hour or more trying to figure out why I can't sleep before I become conscious enough to realize what the problem is and how to fix it.

Sometimes it takes me well over an hour to realize there is a dog on my head. I sleep pretty deeply.

Chihuahua bloodbath.

Last week Tinydog picked the wrong cat to chase.

After the dust settled and all the unholy demons had been cast back into the pit of fire from whence they came, I noticed a drop of blood on my hand.

I noticed that the tiny tip of Tinydog's tiny ear was bleeding, and then Tinydog shook his head.

Of course we dashed to the bathroom to find towels or styptic powder or something to stop the bleeding. Tinydog continued to be mildly irritated by his injured ear.

At this point it is pertinent to mention that I have vaso vagal syncope blood phobia. You know that thing you see on tv where somebody faints at the sight of blood? Yeah, I have that. So there is a finite amount of medical attention I can provide before my blood pressure drops so low that I can't stand up. I ended up laying on the couch for an hour, clamping Tinydog's tiny ear against his tiny head, waiting for the bleeding to stop. Z kindly mopped up the buckets of blood off the walls, the floor, the ceiling, all of our bedding, the couch...

We learned some important information about tiny dogs that night.

1. A 6-lb chihuahua can lose approximately four gallons of blood without any ill effects.

2. Copious amounts of styptic powder will eventually stop a bleeding ear, provided the dog doesn't continue to shake his head.

3. There is no good way to securely bandage a chihuahua ear.

4. Despite their large size, chihuahua ears appear to be devoid of any sensation or ability to feel pain.

5. A soft Cone of Shame is the most effective way to keep a dog's ears from whacking against his head every time he shakes.

Tinydog, on the other hand, learned nothing.

The In-Laws.

My tinydog was sort of a souvenir from attending my husband's family reunion. The reunion was on the family farm, and Tinydog found me while I was trying to make friends with the barn cats.

Tinydog was immediately convinced he belonged with me, and followed me everywhere for the rest of the weekend.

He still had all his baby teeth, and weighed about 4 pounds. I figured somebody must be missing him, but I couldn't find any farmhands on the property. It was 105 degrees outside, and there was no food or water left outside for him, either. I brought him to meet the relatives.

My father-in-law is a fairly normal coastal southern California guy. His family is a little more...rural.

They're also southern Baptist preachers. All of them. Men. Women. Children.

As extremely liberal progressive educated people, we have to watch what we say around them.

We only see them a couple of times a year, which is kind of nice because I can use the practice at shutting up.

Anyway, the relatives didn't think I needed to worry about Tinydog being, well, a tiny dog.

(Tinydog did not go back outside, and when we left we took Tinydog with us. He stills follows me everywhere.)