"Can I Pet Your Dog?"

I was walking Awesomedog, Tinydog, and Fosteruahuah on the hiking trails one day when we were beset by a pack of preschoolers.

I could see them thundering down the trail, well ahead of their parents. Just behind the parents was a guy walking with a large dog sans leash. He kept calling it as rocketed off the trail and back, it didn't appear to hear him. The herd of toddlers spotted my dogs and came stampeding toward us.

It's nice that people teach their small children to ask before rushing someone else's dog, but it would be even nicer if they elaborated on "ask first". These tiny terrors had absolutely no idea what to do when the answer was something other than "yes".

This exchange was repeated for several minutes while the parents finally caught up and hauled their grabby offspring away. The owner of the other dog leashed it while I was fending off the preschoolers, thus saving me from having to break up a dog fight in the middle of a playgroup.

Booze.

Awesomedog has an unusual ability to open damned near anything. He can work zippers and buckles, certain types of doorknobs, and those airtight vault containers made for pet food.

Anything remotely edible inside a plastic container or with a plastic lid is fair game, but Awesomedog doesn't like to chew on metal or glass. For years, anything with a metal lid was considered safe. However, Awesomedog views the world as one giant food puzzle toy. Garbage cans, refrigerators, and jam jars rank alongside Kongs, Buster Cubes, and TreatStiks. The day Awesomedog learned to chew the lids off liquor bottles, I found him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of Bailey's.

Fortunately there was only an inch left before he drained the bottle, but we now keep the liquor locked up because Awesomedog has yet to figure out how keys work.

White dog.

I like to walk my dogs in a local nature preserve. Despite the clearly posted leash laws at every entrance, people still like to walk their dogs off-leash here. This is obnoxious at beast, and dangerous at worst. Most of these people have no control over their dogs, who love to harass/annoy/fight leashed dogs. I carry various methods of warding off larger and potentially dangerous dogs, and I normally ask people to call their dogs or inform them that I am not friendly.

While I do everything possible to prevent larger dogs from making contact with mine, I sometimes let the little ones take their chances.

Sometimes it's really muddy out there.

I try to warn them, but even "My dog will eat your dog!" doesn't seem to get the message across. I sort of hope that arriving with a white dog and leaving with a brown one will help them see one of the many benefits of leashes, but that's probably too much to ask.

OCD

Awesomedog loves tennis balls because they make a squoosh sound when he bites them very hard. It's a perfect combination of two of his favorite activities: biting stuff and making noise.

Kong makes squeaky tennis balls. Once in a while I let him have one as a special treat. A squeaky tennis ball only survives about 15 minutes of nonstop compulsive squeaking before it gives out.

Awesomedog has some obsessive-compulsive tendencies, this is why he is not allowed to play with laser pointers or flashlights. One of the things that sets off his OCD is things that make noise. Tennis balls and squeaky toys are definitely high on the list, but sometimes he'll settle for anything that makes noise. Loose cabinet doors are a favorite.

Beach dogs.

Awesomedog has a typical heeler-shriek bark. He is particularly shrill when he is excited and impatient.

We go to the off-leash dog beach a lot. We meet a lot of other cattledog owners there. Most people who own them are pretty enthusiastic about the breed, but it's always a bit difficult to chat with each other.

Counters.

Dogs are very useful animals. They make good alarm systems, theft deterrents, bed warmers, exercise buddies, and dish washers. Awesomedog is particularly good at removing every single molecule of edible substance from any surface. This makes him a very convenient alternative to a mop.

I'm pretty sure this cleaning method cannot be used on other surfaces, but there are those who would disagree.

Ball.

Awesomedog does not exactly play "fetch". Sure, he loves to play ball like any herding dog, but we have to play it his way. Awesomedog is absolutely unimpressed by a ball on the ground. Once it has been thrown, his one mission in life is to catch that ball and bite it. He doesn't actually gnaw the ball, he isn't a recreational chewer and has never really been interested in destroying non-edible toys like Nylabones and Kongs. Awesomedog just loves to bite things, and after catching a tennis ball he likes to stand around biting it really hard for a bit.

And then he spits the ball out and ignores it until I catch up and pick the ball up again.

Tea time.

I don't normally drink coffee, but I do like to drink tea.

So do various other members of the family.

Dog in a Dress.

Before we acquired Tinydog, I was intending to get a second dog. It was going to be a cattledog or cattledog mix like Awesomedog, and it was totally going to be a girl. I had been checking rescues and sheter websites, looking for the perfect new dog. She was going to be friendly and athletic and I would put pink collars and ribbons and tutus on her like I did with my late cocker spaniel.

Then we brought home Tinydog, who is a boy. It's already pretty tough to find a landlord who will rent to people with two dogs, so a third dog is definitely out. No girl dog for me. Initially I had decided that Tinydog was going to be a Real Dog and sleep in a crate and compete in obedience trials and not wear stupid sweaters. Then I discovered that Tinydog's lack of hair or body mass made him incredibly cold all the time and his first night in the crate he shivered until I let him sleep in bed with us. Turns out a chihuahua isn't a Real Dog after all. Within a couple of weeks I had sewed him a blanket coat and a pretty dress.

Tinydog proudly demonstrates that gender is a social construct and that boys can wear dresses too. He is our pretty princess.

Our Sweaty Mailman

Despite my best efforts, Awesomedog has an undying vendetta against the mailman. It's hard to blame him when this individual invades every day and is then successfully warded off with an explosion of barking. Awesomedog can identify the official uniform of the U.S. Postal Service.

And also postal vehicles.

But these pale in comparison to our sweaty mailman. Normal mail carriers travel their routes at a fast walk, but not Sweaty Mailman. No, he runs. Always. The only thing more exciting than a mailman is a running mailman. I'm not sure if Sweaty Mailman is trying to finish his job early, or has too much to do in too little time, or is trying to get into shape, but he's definitely ...odd. Every day he comes panting and gasping down the street, bag trailing off one arm, long greasy hair plastered to his forehead, shirt buttoned lopsided, sometimes with an undersized cardigan sweater stretched around his shoulders. Awesomedog is convinced he's going to kill us all one day.

Four Reasons I Hate You and Your "Friendly" Dog

I walk my dogs every day. Our tiny shantytown-like neighborhood doesn't have sidewalks, so we drive somewhere else to walk. Both Awesomedog and Tinydog have very good dog social skills when off-leash, so frequently we go to the designated off-leash dog beach. We also have some amazing places to hike around here, including on place that is very close, has a protected monarch butterfly grove in the winter, and is extremely convenient. Really, the only downside to hiking there is all the idiots who let their dogs run loose while they hike. There's a big sign right at the trailhead declaring that, by law, all dogs need to be on leashes. Unfortunately there are also a whole lot of idiots. Most of these people like to claim their dogs are 'friendly' as they come barreling down the trail at us. After far too many bad experiences with 'friendly' off-leash dogs, my own dogs are now decidedly unfriendly when they are leashed. I don't blame them, I too hate these 'friendly' dogs for a variety of reasons...

1. Your dog isn't actually friendly.

If your dog is stiffly approaching mine in a straight line with all the hair on her back standing up and her head and tail held as high as possible, she isn't coming over for a friendly greeting and I can tell that even before she starts growling. If she were truly being friendly she would be all curvy and waggly with her head and tail held level or low, and she would be walking towards my dogs in a big arc. If your dog takes the stiff-and-direct approach she's not coming over to say hello, she's trying to show my dogs how big and scary she is. On their leashes my dogs feel cornered and intimidated, and if your dog doesn't give them their space they will attempt to defend themselves and we will have a dog fight.

2. Your dog is socially retarded.

If your dog was truly friendly, he would understand how to take 'no' for an answer when attempting to meet a new dog. My dogs are not subtle about their desire to be left alone, and a well-mannered friendly dog will figure that out and pass them on the trail without getting too close. Your dog's continued approach is a lot like being cornered by a stranger holding their arms out and saying "Hi! Give me a big hug!" If you're polite you might indulge them, but if you've had some bad experiences with grabby strangers you might just hit them if you can't run away. The brings me to my next point:

3. My dog has a bad back.

Awesomedog has had spinal disc problems since he was under a year old, and he's seven now. He does not want to wrestle around with your large dog. Unfortunately, your dog may not figure that out until he has invited Awesomedog to play by way of bodyslamming. "But he only wants to play!" you protest as I kick your dog in the head and shout incoherently about vet bills. This is the dog equivalent of your hefty third-grader charging up to my frail kindergartner on crutches and shouting "Tag! You're it!" while he sends my kid sprawling. Yeah, he just wants to play, but he's out of control and can hurt other dogs. This kind of painful greeting is exactly why Awesomedog is afraid of other dogs when he's on a leash and reacts violently when they get too close.

4. My dog is stupidly tiny.

Tinydog weighs about 6 pounds, and he finds large dogs extremely intimidating. Some dogs figure this out and give him some space, but many completely disregard his attempts at communication and simply tower over him while sniffing. Sometimes Tinydog explodes in a ball of teeth and yapping and terror and rage. This can be effective, but sometimes it just triggers the bigger dog to attack. If your 80-pound dog decides to bite my 6-pound dog, mine if probably going to be seriously injured or even killed before either us has time to react. This is why I am not comfortable having your off-leash dog wander over for a casual sniff, and you shouldn't be either. I don't know what your dog is going to do when he wanders over, and you don't know how my dog is going to react either, this is not a risk we need to take.

I understand that people like to let their dogs get as much exercise as possible when hiking, and I'm not a huge fan of following rules just for the sake of following rules. I keep my dog leashed on the trails because Awesomedog wants to bite everything with wheels (mountain bikes, baby strollers...), Tinydog doesn't actually come when I call him, and not everyone wants to meet and greet my dogs. I don't really have a problem with the well-mannered dogs that are under control and closely supervised by their people and happen to be off-leash, as long as those people are respectful of my dogs and their need for space. It's not just my own dogs, either. Most dogs aren't entirely comfortable being approached by a loose dog while on a leash, even if they're perfectly friendly when both parties are loose. It's just polite to keep your off-leash dog from approaching a loose one, no matter where you're walking.

The Self-Appointed Cat Police

Awesomedog is predominantly a working breed, and he is happiest when he has a job to do. If I do not give him a job, he will find one himself. Once upon a time when Awesomedog was a baby, I stopped a cat from clawing a chair by making a hissy sound.

That was the day Awesomedog became The Cat Police. Cat clawing on furniture? Cats fighting? Cats harassing birds? Not while The Cat Police is on patrol.

Awesomedog also detects cats-in-need-of-correction by listening carefully. At the softest whispered "no, no, bad cat." he will launch into action and bite the cat. His aim isn't always perfect, though...